Secret to communicating with Kids and Teenagers?

[Hayley Kaplan]

What is the secret to communicating with teenagers when you need them to understand something important?

I write about issues relating to use of technology and social media and I'd like to tell everyone that I have perfect kids that follow all I preach about.  But that would be a lie - my kids have been known to do the very things I warn against. 

What's the key to communicating with our kids so they hear and follow the safety rules we share tell them about?  There are so many!

I'd love to hear what you all have to say.

[Sixty Second Parent]

I think one of the keys is practicing what you preach. If you are setting limits on screens or social media, but your kids see that you are constantly checking your phone or using the computer they are not likely to listen.

what do you think?

[Hayley Kaplan]

I think that is excellent and important advice. 

[Darla - The Preschool Toolbox]

Trying to keep open communication is important, but I've raised five and each child is different.  There are times that NO MATTER what a parent says, others are more influential in getting messages across.  Showing teenagers the consequences that happen to others is sometimes helpful.  Appealing to other mentors that kids respect is good too:  a teacher, someone at church, a coach, a leader in a field/subj. they are interested in.  All in all, even good kids make poor choices.  Allowing our kids to suffer the consequences of poor choices without jumping to rescue them, allows for great life lessons.  SO difficult for a parent who loves their teens...but natural consequences of poor choices often speak louder than any words.  Thanks for a great discussion point!

[Shara Lawrence-Weiss]

I agree with both Michelle and Darla. Modeling - Open communication, etc. Here is one mom's story about allowing her son to experiences the consequences of choices made: http://kidlutions.blogspot.com/2013/03/parenting-my-teen-through-di...

I have always had a lot of success getting my teen to open up when we drive in the car together. If he has my full attention with no other distractions, he's far more likely to open up and chat, answer questions or ask me questions, etc. He loves to ask ME questions and pick my brain about things (everything from theology and dating to parenting and poverty). If I let him do that, he seems far more likely to give me answers when *I* do the asking. :-) I try to limit my questions, though. I like to get him asking the questions first because then we end up in deeper chats and he doesn't feel pressured in any way - since he did the instigating...

[Hayley Kaplan]

Shara - excellent point. I've had some of my most engaging discussions with my kids when I've driven with them one-on-one.  Those conversations have always flowed so naturally I didn't even stop to realize the value of these parenting moments.  Glad you pointed it out.  Thank you.

[Shara Lawrence-Weiss]

You're welcome. I used to have to drive my son to meet his dad half way every Friday and every Sunday. People always said, "Isn't that horrible? The time. The gas." I would say, "No - it's one of my favorite times of the week. He opens up in the car and we talk and talk and talk. I'm blessed!"

[Hayley Kaplan]

"Showing teenagers the consquences that happen to others" is a technique I use too.  Depending on the situation, sometimes it''s more effective than others.  I also agree that having kids suffer consequences is powerful.  But when it comes to safety and some of the potential dangers connected to the Digital Age, I'd prefer to find a method to effectively educate our kids rather then have them learn the hard way.  Where's the bubble wrap? Thanks for your insightful thoughts, Darla. 

[Andries Smit]

I think these are all good suggestions but I agree most with Hayley. We need to teach our children to become clear and confident communicators so they can express themselves openly. We as parents also need to show we are caring listeners and avoid being judgemental when they do open up.

I have set up a site http://www.publicspeakingforkids.org/ to help parents teach public speaking skills and increased communicative confidence to their children. It may help you to help your children.

[Hayley Kaplan]

Thanks, Andries.  I will be browsing your site soon.

[Eric Dingler]

Great question and follow up conversation.

I agree with so much that has been shared.

First. More is caught than is taught.  We have to model well.

Second. Distracted listening is great with teens.  When you are driving, you aren't "focused" on them.  You're engaged, but not enough to judge them.  Kicking or tossing a ball, playing a video game, gardening, driving, fishing...these are all "magic" times for communicating.

Third.  Parents talk to much and listen to little. We often forget that the problems our teens face that we think are minor, were once huge to us.  I can't stand hearing an adult tell a kid, "When your my age, you'll realize what real problems are."  Ugh, I can't stand that.

Thanks for letting me share.  

[Hayley Kaplan]

Well said, Eric.  It is important to recognize that everything is relative.  It a good idea to remember how we felt when we were younger. Listening more than talking is an excellent suggestion!

[Luis Kent]

Show by action is the best method for me so far.